What constitutes Hair Metal?
It’s a subject to be used as an ice breaker when someone ‘ironically’ puts on ‘Living On A Prayer’ during the early part of a mutual friend’s BBQ - before all the gin’s gone and someone has tried to get the number of a coke dealer from one of the younger members of the accounts team at work. But it’s rarely a topic people give a shit about. Including me. And I really like Hair Metal.
But we’re doing this anyway.
To do a top 10 of Hair Metal first mark your parameters. Define how you see the genre:
You know that kid at school who talked about wanking constantly? How many times in a single day. With or without shower gel as palm lubricant. By simply rubbing vigorously against the carpet. Got himself hard during maths? He’s Hair Metal.
Hair Metal uses three fingers from the very beginning. And goes to a fun pub in Burnham-On-Sea on a Thursday to see bands. Hair Metal does tactical vomiting.
Hair Metal is not Guns N Roses. GNR are way too sleazy and heroiny. And bluesy. They sound more like Aerosmith who are not Hair Metal either. It’s not Skid Row. A band, who on paper are way Hair Metal, but as one listen proves, are too classic hard rock - and by their second album, too political. To be clear, that’s too political for Skid Row. They had a song about massive breasts called ‘Big Guns’ on their debut.
No, hair metal is polished, driven hard rock with big pop choruses, preferably a gang shout and ridiculous fretboard heroics. Like Bon Jovi but without the cuntiness.
So, here’s the top 7 Hair Metal albums of all time. Which at this stage in proceedings appears a far more achievable target.
To make it 10 please see GNR ‘Appetite for Destruction’, Skid Row ‘Skid Row’ and Love/Hate ‘Black Out In The Red Room’ or anything else by Motley Crüe.
Why no mention of Warrant?
Fuck off. Don’t @me.